holding back the tears

well i guess i'm trying to be nonchalant about it. and i'm going to extremes to prove i'm fine without it. but in reality i'm slowly losing my mind and underneath a disguise of a smile, gradually i'm dying inside. friends ask me how i feel, and i lie convincingly, cos i don't want to reveal, the fact that i'm suffering. so i just go home at night and turn down all the lights and then i breakdown and cry..

you forget, my dear friend, i'm a good actor.

he stares up at the stars above. beyond the moonlight sky. searching for the affrimation that he needed. only to find the castle on the cloud had perished.

it's funny how sometimes we plan for things and it didn't turn out the way we want it to. i guess this could be a poignant moment in my life.

seriously, i dun want to hear you whining about it. you and your insensitive remarks. how silly can you get..it's one thing to be cavalier but it's another to be downright rude at it too! if you didn't get it then tough.. i didn't either! so what are you bitching about? just shut up k! i've had enough!

i haven't been blogging in a while.. a long while. i'm not sure why reallie. perhaps i've just been feeling rather down these few weeks. perhaps my life is turning into something boring. perhaps. perhaps. perhaps.

there are so many things that went on in my life and at times i feel trapped. i feel suffocated. burning with the desire to get out. be released. swim out of the sea that's slowly drowning me. i can feel myself losing it day-by-day. at times, i feel like there's no reason to live. no meaning to life. it's hard.

i can't seem to be able to connect with myself to write a proper entry. my mind is in a state of utter pendemonium. it does not help that i'm in natinal service and ns is draining the life out of me. but that's life as a singaporean male, eh?

sometimes i wish i could walk up to you and just tell you wot's on my mind. i hate the fact that you're being so childish. i refuse to apologize the second time because i am not in the wrong. wateva. reallie wateva! you and your silly "oh-i'm-going-to-ignore-you" look can go shove it where the sun don't shine! no, i take that back. i'm not going to stoop to your level.

i feel like i'm being encapsulate. envelope in this big tight plastic wrap. i can't breathe. my body heat is creating a mist on the plastic. all i can see is a silhouette of you in front of me. standing, as i gasp for air. won't you help me? would you just stand there as i slowly drift into unconciousness? everything's so blurry now. i can't see clearly beyond the mist. i try puncturing a hole through the plastic. i need air. help me. why are you walking away? i am getting weary of your games. you immaturity. why can't you see that i did nothing wrong? why must you turn away, each time our eyes met? is there even a need to? if we were once close, why sever everything? i never thought it would turn out like this.

sometimes i wonder why i'm here. the thing is. sometimes you just wake up. stare at the ceiling and have no idea what the hell is going on in your life. how is it possible that you are alive and walking when you feel like you're dead. dying. walking aimlessly. what's the purpose? i have no idea. i dunno what i'm thinking. writing. saying anymore. life is but a routine suddenly. everything just happens the way it did the previous day. sometimes it's like the feeling just won't go away. what feeling? i dunno. i have no idea. i dunno anything anymore!