was looking through my written journals the other day. and found this. i was like thinking. i wrote this? gosh. hahaha.. well. this was for someone special. hopefully it can go to another sometime.somehow.someone

Looking through the pages of my life
Faded memories of me and you
Mistakes you know I've made a few
I took some shots and fell from time to time
Baby, you were there to pull me through
We've been around the block a time or two
I'm gonna lay it on the line
Ask me how we've come this far
The answer's written in my eyes

Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new
That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more
I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time
When I look at what my life's been comin' to
I'm all about lovin' you

I've lived, I've loved, I've lost, I've paid some dues, baby
We've been to hell and back again
Through it all you're always my best friend
For all the words I didn't say and all the things I didn't do
Tonight I'm gonna find a way

Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new
That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more
I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time
When I look at what my life's been comin' to
I'm all about lovin' you

You can take this world away
You're everything I am
Just read the lines upon my face
I'm all about lovin' you

ok so watching the pianist by myself proves to be something that i couldn't handle! seriously, about 45 minutes into the show and i'm terrified to continue watching. i just sat there rooted in my seat eyes glued to the screen. but i'm not watching anything. it's just so shocking. the image of 2 nazi soldier pushing a paralyzed old man to the balcony, lifting the wheel chair and threw him off the building kept on recurring in my mind and reluctant to leave me alone! i snapped out of the shock soon enuff to be greeted by another shock treatment. a mother shot dead at point blank in the head just because she asked the nazi general where they were going to be taken! i couldn't bare to continue but i had too. the intense feeling of fear and sadness was nothing compared to what they been thru in real life! this was a movie for god's sake! why am i so affected? truly, polanski deserves that win! his directing was excellent, everythin was surreal! it took great acting and even greater directing to know the audience. to draw the audience into believeing what is there and playing it out as if they were there themselves. i felt the agony of the last jew who laid on the ground awaiting his death as he saw his other comrades dying, one by one shot in the head as the nazi general walk past. i felt that! i felt it when there was no more bullet in the gun, i felt the intense pain as the jew waited for the general to change the catridge and shot him dead like the rest of them. i felt all of it!

after the show i wondered to myself how can anyone be so cruel and coldhearted? how sick can a man be that such an atrocious act is created against others. this brought me back to yesterday when i was insulted by a chinese on irc. it's a very touchy issue but i was lamenting about how superficial the world seemed to be and he came to tell me, he felt the same way too. i told him it's harder being mixed with no identification to a particular race group.and he stop talking. after lyk 5 mins i typed out "superficial indeed" and send it to him. and the reply that came back to me.. god i was not prepare to read. he told me that yes he is superficial. and why was he superficial? it's because i'm a malay. or have malay blood in me. the bastard told me that malays are generally disliked in singapore and that they are second rate citizens. he told me of how i should take my kind and jump off the pier, coz' we're not wanted. until now. those words rang ncessantly in my ear and head. i kept wondering how is it possible that such a person exist? i suddenly felt inferior when i walked around all the chinese. i dunno why. words never really affected me. but i was deeply hurt by those. are malays disliked? god help me thru this hard journey.

a fren of mine told me about his classmate. this malay gal called ash. they were all doing community service. u know donation, tin collection. anyway. she went up to this two chinese ladies and even before she spoke. the two women went: "ew, malay, dun want!" and proceeded to another friend of her quite a distant away and donated. what a load of bull these people thing they are pulling? needless to say. she cried hard after without finishing the cip. she couldn't bring herself to. it was too hard to here it for herself. i tot i would have handled that differently. but when i went thru it myself yesterday. i was just dumbfounded.

maybe i was just too naive to think that we are living in a perfectly scultured multiracial nation where racial disputes are a thing of a past.i guess i was wrong! what difference are everyone of us from each other?

"If you prick us do we not bleed?
If you tickle us do we not laugh?
If you poison us do we not die?
And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?"
~ W. Shakespeare . The Merchant of Venice . The Pianist