it's a few hours to Rapture: The SAJC Dance Nite. i cannot take it.. it's very unnerving.. much more unnerving than syf.. here. everyone's judging you! some of the best dancers in Singapore will be performing tonite. and some of the most critical judges will be looking and judging tonite!

My days are rapidly devolving into mass periods of shittiness. I haven't done a thing for the past four days, and while I was content in my nonactivity before I started to have a life, it's just not doing it for me now. I'm getting depressed again. I had a splitting headache for the majority of the day, and I'm starting to have body image issues again. futher made worse by the fact Rapture's tonite! I don't know why, i'm rather confident of myself but I still feel pretty shitty looking. i dunno.. it's not helping that people are tellingme to do somthing about it.. ok ok.. i know you mean well.. and i accept the advice.. but you know.. i dunno!

I don't know, I'm growing complacent with my unhappiness, and that's horrible. And I know it's temporary, but I hate not being wanted and needed and talked to. I've tried to talk to a number of people the past few days who just seemed like they wouldn't care if I got run over by a bus, and maybe it's been bad days or something, but it's been pretty hurtful.

i can't go for the flea market trip today cos grandma's in the hospital.. but she's fine already.. luckily so, cos' i ain't be able to dance tonite if she's not!

I just kinda want this year to fast-forward through so I can get out of here. I'm sick of this. Again.

i didnt want to write anything about it, cos i know you, my monkey friend, will not visit blogs or online journals. but reading dong's blog just made me want to say what i had wanted to say when you told me about it. i really wanted to write everything but i thought it's kinda no use. but here's my two cents worth..

well, i guess you're trying to be nonchalant about it. it's fairly obvious that you're going to the extremes to prove you're fine with what's happening. nonetheless, monkey, i can tell that in reality you're slowly losing your mind, crumbling inside. underneath the guise of a smile, gradually you're dying inside.

my boy, it's funny how life sets you up to find the person you cherish. so campatible, so admirable. with every smile on her face, with every word that she says, you are a completely changed person. you pour out your emotions, your soul and your heart, believing that everything will continue and nothing will change. but sometimes, things son't turn out the way we want them to be.it's weird and funny, yeah. i guess f ate and destiny are created to make love appear less regular, less set. more fluctuating. more random. it's crazy huh?

monkey, never blame yourself for what has happened. when you brokedown in front of us, i sense the pain, i feel the hurt and i began to fully comprehend that you truly love her. i'm not going to put on that "boys-don't-cry" look, cos i think dong had mentioned it! haha. but, just wanna tell you. there's nothing wrong with crying. i've never seen you cry or upset over anything. and when that happened. i knew this meant alot to you. you just have to know that the pain and the hurt you feel, will go away. you will find another one out there that is perfect for you. I know you will be okay and be strong about it.

like i told eng tat and dong when they're facing such a situation.. cherish the moments you had together. if she means alot to you, let her go. be strong and happy for her. if you love her, set her free and if she's meant to be yours... she'll come back to you. learn to let go of the past and look forward to a new start. it's hard, since you have given your 100% in the relationship.. but it's the first step you need to take! just dont go on a rebound ok! i'll smack you silly if you go on a rebound with hem hem!

you still have us around ok!

"love takes time to heal when you're hurting so much.
learn to let it go and things will get better."

through intense observation.. hmmm, i realise people who write interesting and great blog entries are those that are sad.. not sad as in pathetic and self-absorbed/over self-indulgent.. but people who were happy and then something happened that made them sad. affected them so great that it became a catarsis to spill out their emotions, their entire soul into the entry. i often enjoy reading entries like that. not that i'm sadistic and waddle in someone else's hurt.. but there are times when their thoughts speaks to me. it's as if, at that given moment, there's more depth to the entry. try and check it out for yourself. happy people sometimes talk about mundane and superficial stuff.. but someone who's been hurt, who's going through pain.. the entry just speaks volume..

the best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or touched. they must be felt with the heart. excellent quote, eh? it's by helen keller. stumbled upon it while i was looking for shakespeare's quotes... what are the chances? haha..

i gotta get back to studying for my econs paper tomorrow. foreign exchange. sigh. if only i understand fully the function of this topic in my life.



"some dance to remember, some dance to forget"

i feel like i'm being encapsulate. envelope in this big tight plastic wrap. i can't breathe. my body heat is creating a mist on the plastic. all i can see is a silhouette of you in front of me. standing, as i gasp for air. won't you help me? would you just stand there as i slowly drift into unconciousness? everything's so blurry now. i can't see clearly beyond the mist. i try puncturing a hole through the plastic. i need air. help me. why are you walking away? i am getting weary of your games. you immaturity. why can't you see that i did nothing wrong? why must you turn away, each time our eyes met? is there even a need to? if we were once close, why sever everything? i never thought it would turn out like this.

... thought i'd conjured up something for my friend. anyway, on the brighter side of life......

WE GOT THE FREAKING GOLD!!!!!!!

ain't that amazing? dance got gold and i'm so so so so so darn happy about it.. all the months of practice, getting scolded for forgetting steps cos' forever going for band.. gosh.. it all paid off! we got gold people... so far in my life.. that'll be 3 SYF gold awards(2 for band and 1 for dance), 1 SYF Silver(for band in 2001) and 1 'Danceworks' finalist certificate. cool huh? oh and 2 TOP 5 AWARD(One for band and one for dance!!) whoa.. i'm totally happy.. the sense of elation in me is overwhelming. thouigh it's not as thrilling as when we got gold and top 5 for band.. but that's only cos' results were announced on the day of our band performance.. so different feel! but it's still as wonderful. or fantabulous as my favourite "josephine" call it! what a day to remember.. have one last performance to go. at mediacorp. SAJC's dance nite... ooooh, they got gold along with us!!! cool huh!? i'm so happy we got it together... they're really good.. haha, at least now glen won't be having a big head.. since we are of same standards again.. ok.. maybe not as close as when we were in sec 4, but quite close still.. haha.. wateva! i'm just exhilarated.. that's all.. so shoot me!

yesterday.. dance.. whoa.. the moment was intense.. every beat and every step matters. be precise. dun smile. look stress... the judges will be looking! the whole experience was like a whirlwind overwhelming feeling.. 9 months of work.. for just 6minutes of fame and lights on stage. now, just gotta wait 4 results. have no idea when it's coming out, but the anticipation is killing me.. part of me feels great that training's over.. but now, i'm not gonna dance anymore.. it's hard... sad.. part of my passion gone.. i wanna continue. sigh.

went marche after.. i think i've corrupted the year 1 girls! hahah.. it's all syd's fault.. asking 'sexual' questions! god. i was like.. so embarrassed. i can't believe i said stuff like that to a "josephian woman", so to speak.. or umm.. a "josephine" hahah... if you dun get it.. dun worry.. it's an internal joke between me and the "Josephine" haha. had alot of fun actually.. being lame and all.. hahha.. oh well.. kinda tired.. i've no idea what homework i have.. but i'll see..

had a v disappointing evening on friday.. SJI got silver.. what utter rubbish! played that song for the longest time and still can't clinch a gold. it's perpetually disgusting. i mean, when i played that song for the finale of my last concert with SJIMB, it was a beautifully performed piece of music! everyone loved it.. the best finale piece they've heard in years! god! later that night went out to have the exco treat... it was nice, at Hard Rock and all.. but they make me walk all around the whole Orchard! not a good thing to start! but it was good lah.. thnk you for the treat!