for all those who waited with bated breaths
firstly, i would like to apologize to all who?ve been waiting earnestly for an update. well, u know how this goes? when u stop blogging for a while, u tend to stop for a really long while. anyway, since the last time i blogged..
1. i got myself a tuition gig
2. i learned how a land rover worked
3. nicoll highway collapsed
4. beckham screwed around with some women named loos & marbeck
5. a heart's been broken and on the road to recovery
let me address s l o w l y
well, national service been rather interesting lately - thank god, i actually thought i'd die!- anyway, i'm now attending the practical part of my course... much to everyone's dismay, i'm loving my job.. ok sometimes, it gets a tad boring cos i gotta wait but hey.. i'm paid to wait, so i ain't complaining! as you all know i'm doing some mechanic shit rite? so yeah.. this past few weeks, i've been in, out, above, under, in front, behind and everywhere else possible, of a land rover! i took out the wheels, i dismantled the alternator and the starter motor, blah blah.. it's all very interesting but hey dun ask me to fix your car.. i mean, you would actually trust me with your cars?? haha. it's been fun.. perhaps it's because i've got friends in my group that i can actually clique with so i'm having fun chatting up with them.
seriously speaking though... national service is an endless purgatory of waiting. seriously.. we do something for a period of time.. and then we sit there and wait.. at times i dun have to do anything the whole day, i'm not complaining, but i'd rather do something productive like reading.. which, by the way, we cannot... it;s against the rules.... during lessons we can only talk, breath, live vehicles... nothing else..utter rubbish. oh well, i dun exactly want my blog posts to revolve along the mundane details of my army life.. *yawns*
I GOT MYSELF TUITION JOB!! yeah... i'm now teqaching this TKGS gal english... she's like secondary 2 so yeah, god help me make this this girl good... she's not bad, just maybe a lil bit weak on the vocab. hahaha. me teaching another person english... oh well, never thought i'd do it.. but i am.. and teaching is so lucrative... i won't tell you how much i am getting.. but it's alrite.. i mean compared to the fact that i'm an underpaid slave-dog of the singapore government.. so everything is going a-ok so far.. but it'll get tough..
i guess working life does suck. but in a way, having to come out & eck a living for myself. having to pay for all my personal expenses now, trying to scrap together enuff money via giving tuition, has made me realize something, that is the sacrifices & the hard work that my parents'd put in when they were in my position 30 years, or so, back, when my brother and i were just babies. i can imagine how they would've tried to scrimp & save just for that pair of shoes that i'd mentioned in passing that i wanted, how hard it must've been for them to work their socks off, endure all these office politics & deadness of office life & yet come back to put on a smile & ask me how school was, how they'd sit by my side to accompany me while doing my homework, find the energy to bring me on trips to the states, the middle east, malaysia during the school holidays, bring me shopping during weekends, to buy me branded New Year clothes, or more recently, the freshly cut apples placed in the refrigerator waiting for me after i'd return home late after dance-cum-band-prac last year.
it's only been about 2 months since i started working proper and a week since i started giving tuition. but amongst others, these 2 months have made me realize how much my parents love me. i've come to realize how much i mean to them. i've come to treasure them more than ever. the simple act of just being able to return home every night to have a simple dinner with them holds so much more meaning to me now.
i don't know if anyone feels the same way as me now, but yeah, working life & the harsh reality of it has just about helped me put everything into perspective - how lucky i've been to have the best parents that anyone could ever ask for.
thanks mummy, thanks daddy
to you
i know it's hard losing someone you love.. it's harder to face that someone everyday. your heart feels like it's crushed into a thousand pieces. you just wanna curled up in you room, hide away from the glares of the people. and yet everytime you retract back into your own world.. the memories creep back slowly into you and a thousand knives just fly straight at you. it's a torture.. and yet i can't help you. it's something you've gotta go thru yourself and the hurt, i can only imagine what it's like to be you now. listen to the sound of the crying sea and the wallowing wind. dance to the rythm of the new day that dawns. i love you. you'll always have me by your side!
-oh who am i kidding-
university application
i have been living the past week in a half dream, vacillating between resignation, depression and profound disappointment. the world seems veiled in secret colour, to which i cannot break the code, and everyone around me looks so happy, so blissful, so at peace that i almost want to cry out in anguish. and i have been sitting alone in my room for evenings on end, trying to make some sense of my mind and all its convolution, my heart flopping to the bottom of my stomach. why can't i just be free to fly?
he felt torn apart, vulnerable, ripped to pieces with a sudden tug that was at once both unjust and revolting.
i don't think i've ever felt this much at a loss in my life. it is so painful to dream, to touch the edge of that dream, and then to find yourself crashing back to earth - your dream snuffed out entirely by a force that takes all the air out of you. and i am crushed, devastated, so spent that i am too tired to fight anymore. i am breathing empty air.
it would be unfair to the friends who have seen me through this time, to say that i feel alone in this world. and yet i do - more and more - i feel abandoned, unsure even of the One in whom i trust, unsure why i have submitted it all into His hands, and yet still feel an unassailable sense of.. i don't even know what it is. grief? anguish? doubt?
There has been no peace, and it worries me that there is still a closed door somewhere which prevents me from walking in faith.
i honestly just want to disappear somtimes.
wow... my entry is like a whole roller-coaster of emotions... moving from one end of the emotion scale to the next. i guess it really sums up what i've been feeling this past few months. it's an emotional turbulence. sometimes i feel hurt and i just wanna cry.. yet at times.. i feel like i'm on top of the world. god help me.
