adakalanya, aku kekeliruan. keliru akan tingkah lakumu, sikapmu. ternyata kau bukan lagi seperti yang aku kenali dulu. berubah. apa mungkin cinta yang dilafazkan dahulu hilang sebegitu sahaja? remuk. hatiku tidak bisa memahami apa yang telah terjadi. apa kau telah lupa saat saat indah yang kita lalui? perbuatanmu mematahkan sendi-sendi yang selama ini tegak berdiri.

mana mungkin aku bisa hidup tanpamu? tanpa mendengarin suaramu, tawaanmu? aku lemah. kini, sendiri ku kemas air mata di pipi. haruskah cinta aku akhiri?

haruskah hatiku membawa diri? itu sama sekali tidak bisa terjadi. kerana hatiku masih dalam genggamanmu.

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!

why i love and adore mariah...

"well i guess i'm tryna be nonchalant about it.
and i'm going to extreme, to prove i'm fine without you.
but in reality i'm slowly losing my mind.
underneath the disguise of a smile,
gradually i'm dying inside.
friends ask me how i feel, and i lie convincingly
cause i don't want to reveal, the fact that i'm suffering.
so i wear my disguise, till i go home at night,
and turn down all the lights,
and then i breakdown and cry..."

- breakdown, mariah carey

this is exactly as i feared... every cold word from you cuts like a knife. i would sooner have the silence than this pain... what would you have me do? i have bared myself and now you will have to finish what you started for i am defenceless and i have given myself to the pain.
i want back to those halcyon days, i can only hope they are not lost to me forever.

négligé. l'un amour de I a brisé mon coeur aujourd'hui. mon coeur écrasé, piétiné plus de. je me sens sans valeur.

new layout... nice?? nice??

haha.. anyway, if you reached here.. that means you know you're way around the blog... kudos to you.. drop me some shout outs at my tag board..

(in case you didn't know... it's under la la!)

as if you didn't know yet.

....hiatus....

it's been a few days after my birthday and i'm feeling a new sense of composure and calm. i'm not sure why. maybe, it's because i've settled into the idea of turning twenty. see, a few days before my birthday, i had a little anxiety/panic attack. i sat down one day and thought to myself, in my twenty years of living, exactly wot had i accomplished? i had wanted to blog down my thoughts back then with the title "five days. 2 decades of living. nothing worthy of existing" but i refrained. i realised i was being too hard on myself. and so i waited.

the affirmation for my existence came the saturday before my birthday all the way till friday. yes it was literally a one week worth of birthday celebrations and presents galore. that night, i came to realise wot my greatest accomplishments were - family & friends. i've tonnes and tonnes and tonnes of them.. all came out to celebrate a momentous, turn of events celebration for me.

Saturday was a VERY early celebration with the family. i've already had a new phone (Nokia7610) for Xmas, so mom took that opportunity to NOT give me anymore new presents!! she said i'd go crazy if she provide me with another present!! hah! like real! but i still love it tho. spending time with the family was really amazing!

Sunday - vases outing! we started out celebrating dong's birthday but it slowly digressed to mine as well!! haha.. i got a gorgeous present from book binders! sharon, sheila, dong, tat, hanis, liwen... thanks for being there and being a part of my life. and wonderful lunch @ billy bombers.. nearly ate pork.. laughed a shitload because of that but all is fine and i didn't eat pork in the end.. thank god!

Monday - the boys go wild! i had a splendid time out with the boys. winston & kenny tried to surprise me with their present.. they made me walk in circles around takashimaya.. haha! we had dinner @ swensen's and just spent the night chatting away. oh and we watched 'nobody knows' and seriously, nobody knows why we watched it because nobody knows wot the plot was! it was seriously art-house/dong's kinda movie.. i cannot stand it.. TOTALLY!!!!!!

Tuesday - a celebration worth remembering. tuesday night/wednesday morning was spent with my lovely cousins. we had our rituals - spend the night at natalia's, supper @ al-ameen with spicy hot tomyum noodles and teh-o peng, don't sleep till the wee hours and spend it just talking, wake up like at ard noon. had brunch @ ya kun's and disperse! had a lovely time gals.. thank you!

Wednesday - they REALLY love me!! i had smses, calls, emails from EVERYBODY! a little after twelve i had 7 smses ranging from my brother to my vases, a little after 6am another 8 and, after 9 another 7 and after 11 another 8. i'm loved! went out with min. love ya baby! watched phantom with raz and min. dinner with fen, raz, min and janjan!!!! yay!! i love it!! my presents are so amazingly beautiful.. handmade by the girls themselves! and calls and smses galore throughout the day.

thursday - official rest day-

friday - dinner @ goodwood park hotel with serene & steve. we talked for ages to end. after which we went to marriot for drinks at the lounge and continued chatting till like one in the morning!!

reading back, i've realised this entry reads like a boring entry that i hate to read! hahaha.. i hate it when people list down everything they did systematically!! but, i can't help it.. i needed to chronologically note down wot actually happened to prove my point!!

and my point is.. i have great friends. friends who i have not spoken to in months smsed me to wish me happy birthday. my god brother called straight after touchdown from malaysia to wish me happy birthday.. and people who are stuck in tekong was sms-ing me! haha.. LOVES IT!!

and to everyone else who tagged and sms and called and emailed and met me in orchard just to wish me happy birthday.... THANK YOU.. love ya love ya!! pictures will be posted soon after i get EVERY picture! (:

LOVES IT!